Back to square one .. (The Afterthought of 20 somethang)

It  began as documented observation of a young, heterosexual, hispanic woman approaching 30 demographically from the "ghettos of the Bronx..  Am I dating.. will I marry?  The journey of the perfect job. Mean while up until 2 years ago I ping ponged in and out of unemployment, and the last time I took anyone serious Snookie and the gang  arrived at the Jersey Shore.  Like most who are given a platform what I ended up with was a rant. A overall detailed story of how much of a mess my life actually was, written proof that all Puerto Rician women were crazy!
 I recently found myself in a oh too common conversation regarding the opposite sex.  As I heard myself speak of my present wants and needs, I could help but pause.. "what am I saying?" "Who is talking"   " keep it up .. you'll never get a boyfriend "  and later than night, I went to check the records.  I pulled up 20somethang (my older blog) and went to town: reading and comparing my older post.  This was pretty cool .. I knew exactly where to reference the past.   The problem with physical  diary's is  after a few years the writing smears  or even worst  book is lost.  Another cool fact about blogging .. Someone is reading and sharing your thoughts.  As I laid back reviewing my thoughts .. I was taken away by the anger, humor,  sadness, and plan raw honesty I was experiencing at the time,  I was more shocked that I made it all public!  With no reserve, no filter other than a couple of 'typos" it was  just Tee.
Looking back I don't think it was ever my plan to settle early, of course at the time I didn't realize I was a mess! I thought I was part of the "norm" a member of a society where amazing women weren't being taken serious.  Turns out I was the liar, looking for social acceptance, Living one life in the public eye and another alone in my head.   Few saw the truth in me, but I shun the accusations: " I am serious" .. " I do love you"  ME? SELFISH? IN IT FOR MYSELF?? NO WAY! .. ( I could have been a man)  "I want this relationship", "I want to make it work at this job."  and when I was dumped or laid off.. I cried .. I cried and mourned .. because it was expected of me.. How would I look to others if I brushed off my shoulders and said " another one bites the dust ..?"  So..  I faked it .. I didn't realize I was faking it .. but I did I wanted to be that person more than most.. I faked it so good that I believed my lies .. but time and time again for some reason or another  .. I always ended up back at square one.
So I find myself here definitely not 20 something .. and once again  back at square one.

Only this time I'm OWNING IT! .. sure there are time that I hate being me .. (mainly once a month for about 5 to 6 days while I lay in bed wishing I had someone to pass me the midol . ) but fore the most part .. I'm Loving it .. 

LIVE 

LEARN 

LOVE 

Thanks for checking in .. XoXo   ..